One Month of Love, Growth and a Smile

We've officially had Charlie for an entire month, and oh what a month it's been! But before we get into all the hairy details, Charlie was so excited that he'd been alive and out of the womb for an entire month, that he smiled at me today! And no, it wasn't a sleepy, dreamy, milky or gassy smile (I know what you're thinking)...it was a legit grin. We were just talking this morning (yes, we converse quite well) about how cool it was to be a month old, and he smiled. Just like that. I have no proof and no one to back up my story, but Charlie and I know our truth! And it was an awesome morning.

Anywho, Charlie continues to be a big, little guy, and everyone keeps telling us that's what makes him so calm and cool. I like to think that no matter how big or small we'd be blessed with the same sweet demeanor. We go back to the doctor next week to see how he's grown, but until that update, here's what's happening at month one. Charlie loves to suck the little rolls on his wrist when he's trying to calm himself down, to listen to his giraffe and watch its head move around, to do anything that involves the outdoors (he's instantly soothed), to listen to people talk, to ride in the car, and so much more. He's also figured out...

Bath's aren't so scary anymore. And man, look at that physique...now that's one hot bod!

The bumbo is kinda cool and maybe a little scary.

It's pretty cool to hang out outside with Stan while I water plants or mess with the garden.

Officially one month old pics...

Morning naps are a must.

It's still kinda hard to keep that big melon up, but his neck is stronger everyday!

Owls are fascinating.

And so is Mom...

Zeroing in on and attacking the owl feels pretty good.

Charlie continues to fascinate us and keep us on our toes, and selfishly, I'm so thankful I've had him to myself this entire week - we're learning so much about each other - but, as always, I'm looking forward to the weekend when being together as a family has a whole new meaning. We're feeling grateful and reflecting on how much life and love has changed within the month. 

We're going to try to make this our monthly marker chair (and yearly if Chuck will cooperate...I'm imagining him finding it weird to still have a glider in his room at 18, but we'll see). Can't wait to see how much he grows! And this month, I was so good (or Charlie was so good) we actually snapped the pics at 3:53. I assume as Charlie grows and schedules change this won't always be feasible, but for this month, it worked. Happy first month sweet boy!

Finding our Rhythm

On Thursday, we'll have a one month old, and as tired as we are, I know neither of us can believe that a month is already gone. Charlie is quickly figuring out a schedule, and John and I are finding our rhythm. Admittedly, we've had A LOT of help. Well, let's be honest...we've been utterly spoiled. We've had DELICIOUS meals delivered by amazing family and friends almost every day, lots of loving visitors, and my mom was here for three weeks...yes, she was planning on two, but when the time came, we weren't ready for her to go, she wasn't ready to leave and it worked out perfectly to just add an extra week and drive her to Dallas when we went for my nephew's fourth birthday party. And if I had to do it all over again, I'd do it exactly the same. Of course, John and I are figuring it out without her guidance and expertise, and it's so fun to be our own little family, but we got an enormous jumpstart because she was kind enough to come love on Charlie, cheer us on and help us through the rough patches. Which of course there have been rough patches. We've had moments of complete frustration and several mini-meltdowns. As I've said before, I'm not sure anyone really talks about what this first part of parenting is like, and over the last couple of weeks, I've found myself thinking that "early parenting" is just another thing that people are scared to communicate about, falling into the category of finances, politics, relationships, etc., and wishing that people would have really talked to us about it. I received a sheet from the hospital that said you might have the baby blues if you are:

1. Emotional
2. Feeling inept
3. Experiencing mood swings
4. Feeling overwhelmed

Seriously? Not to minimize post-partum depression, but if this is the criteria then I think all new mothers (and fathers for that matter) probably have the baby blues on some level. It's hard. This is the most challenging thing I've ever done, and I'm lucky because I have an amazingly sweet baby, a kind, loving, and patient husband that loves challenges - he thrives on them actually - and a wonderfully supportive family. I've been around little kids my entire life, but it doesn't even kind of compare. As my brother asked, is it crazy when he cries in the middle of the night and you think oh shit...that's for me? It is crazy but crazy in the best possible way. As we sleepily stumble to Charlie's room in the middle of the night to change him and get him ready to eat, it's this unbelievable mix of pure exhaustion (oh if he'd just slept another thirty minutes...) and the deepest love. When we console Charlie after one of his fits of intense rage (the kid hates to be lotioned up), it is better than winning any prize. And when Charlie snuggles in and calmly drifts off to sleep, there are absolutely no words. Here we have this tiny, precious, innocent little guy that needs us like we've never been needed before. So now I'm not sure if it's just that no one really talks about what the first part of parenting is like or if no one really remembers. Sleep deprivation does crazy things. Love does even crazier things. And the over-whelming love and happiness we feel for Charlie (even through his crankiest moments...come over from about 6:00 - 9:00 pm if you want a preview of the little beelzebub that appears for a few hours every day) makes me believe that we'll probably forget the rough patches too. There's just way too much joy to focus on, and we do believe in focusing on the joy and utter greatness of the challenge Charlie has presented us. Some of our joy these last couple of weeks... first hello's, goodbye's, English department luncheons, birthday parties, road trips and everything in between.

Final day with GiGi...doesn't he look so much bigger?!

The grimace is intense, but I swear it's love!

First meeting with Poppy Jim

First meeting with Uncle Kevin

Sweetly napping

Stan patiently waiting for a treat or to go outside or for a little attention...

First meeting with Uncle Jason & Aunt Candy

Tummy time!

Pure bliss

Blind Dog Running

When my mother-in-law told us she wanted to make a movie, "Blind Dog Running" about her suddenly sight-impaired dog Barkley, John and I cracked up. In Barkley's younger years, John and I had too-many-to-count close calls with him. When we would pet-sit, he and Stanley bolted out the door more times than we'd like to admit, and certainly more times than we fessed up to Fred and Ellen (sorry guys!). And while John's fast, the greyhound portion of Barkley was not to be caught until he was ready. And when he and Stan were done running down Meandering Way (perfect name for a street to break free on), they would calmly let John snag them and prance back to the house happily out of breath. Late in life, Barkley was diagnosed with SARDs (Sudden Acute Retinal Disorder) which caused him to go completely blind, and while he struggled to figure out his way around in his new darkened world, Ellen discovered he could still do what he loved - run. I'm still not sure what her movie would have been about, but I'd like to imagine a screen-play about a dog who after some unfortunate set-backs triumphantly returns to racing - think "Wild Hearts Can't be Broken" but with dogs and racing instead of a girl and diving horses. (If you have no idea what I'm talking about here, you must find the movie on NetFlix - truly a classic!) Sadly, Barkley's condition worsened in the last couple of weeks, and Fred and Ellen had to make the unfortunate decision this week to end his pain. And, naturally, his death has made us all too aware of Stanley's mortality, but as a true dog-lover, I know we must be grateful for the wonderful life we are fortunate to give them and all the gifts of love they give us in return. Stanley lost a long-time friend who will be dearly missed, but surely, Barkley is somewhere resting pain-free and enjoying all things Barkley - squirrels, squeaky toys, treats, running and laying in someone's lap like the tiny dog he thought he was.

A Week of Firsts

It's been a monumental week at the house, and since our outings are limited for a little bit there's not much to do but eat, sleep, and take pictures of Charlie. Mostly, this week has been surreal. We're dreading my mom leaving this weekend because while we very much feel like we're doing it, we know that we aren't really doing it just yet. We have an extra set of hands, an extra set of patience, and some much needed expertise. John and I are still in a dreamy, half-awake, survival-mode state. I'm not sure anyone could properly prepare you or chooses to properly remember what these first few weeks are like, but Charlie is healthy and happy and wonderful, and John and I are marveling at all the firsts we get to experience with this little guy and anticipating all the ones to come. Since we've been home from the hospital, we've had our first...

Doctor's appointment - Charlie is off the charts for height at 21 1/2 inches (John's beaming with pride) and in the 98th percentile for head (big brains, right?!) and weight (no surprise there). We have our next doctor's appointment on Friday, and I'm so anxious to see how he's growing and changing.

Bath - we let Gigi play the bad guy the first go around while we watched and learned. Charlie was none too happy.

Trip away from Charlie - John, Stanley and I went to Petsmart (aren't we CRAZY?!) while my mom watched Charlie.

Spray alert - Charlie, sans diaper, sprayed John and me on separate occasions, but I guess this is what little boys do, huh?!

Dates with new family and friends - there have been a million people over to the house to meet, hold, love on Charlie and feed John, Mom and me. It's been amazing to be surrounded by so much love and great food!

Restless night - the lactation specialist was right on the money when she said day five would be a fussy day with lots of feedings. Charlie ate almost every hour. My body officially does not belong to me anymore.

Restful night - well a new definition of restful, I guess. We are sleeping 3 hours or so at a time, feeding Charlie and then Mom's getting him back to sleep in the middle of the night. See why we're dreading her departure?

Nap with Mom and Dad - I mean seriously...could they be any cuter?!

Feeding from Dad - I pumped Sunday and John got to feed Charlie for the first time. It was awesome to see the two of them bonding in that way.

Trip on my own - on Mother's Day, I ran to the store by myself, and it was officially weird. I got so use to walking through the store as a pregnant person...people don't just smile at you anymore or let you use the scale ahead of them or share their meat and cheese tastings at the deli counter.

Walk - John and I have been trying to get out of the house even if just to go on walks...we both get a little stir crazy otherwise. Charlie loves his Bjorn (thanks Lauren and Jeremy!) and John's fisherman hat. The first couple of walks were probably less than relaxing...John kept tipping him forward to make sure he was still breathing. ;)

Smile - even if it's sleepy and dreamy and milky, it's still a smile, and we love to see it.

Unintentionally choosing to shower rather than eat - I wasn't aware that when I chose to take a shower I was also choosing not to eat. I overestimated the soothing power of the vibrating chair.

Set of sports equipment - Maxwell obviously realizes we have an over-achiever on our hands. Charlie's set for his first lacrosse game.

Dad back at work - John went back to work on Friday, and it sucked for all parties involved, but we made it through and Charlie was so sweet all day. Surely he sensed it was a big day.

Mother's Day - and while I feel like I kind of cheated getting to celebrate this Mother's Day (I've only been mothering for 10 days), John made it a wonderfully special day. We got to celebrate with my mom whose been mothering for 40 years (I can't even imagine) and my sister. It was the perfect day with a beautiful brunch and lots of relaxing and loving on Charlie.

Visit with Gaga and Grandpa - we got to visit Fred and Ellen at their new Austin treehouse.

We're Live

"I think we're live," was all I had to say at 3:30 am Thursday, May 3rd to jolt John into action. I don't know if it was the strain in my voice or the grimace on my face as I stood at the end of our bed, but whatever it was, John sensed it was real this time. We've joked throughout this last trimester about "going live" and had a few false alarms, but everything in my body was telling me this was it. The contractions were, well, intense. I awoke at 1:45 to a pain that threw me out of bed. As I stood bracing the wall listening to John and Stanley snoring in bed all I remember thinking was "wow, that was weird," and slowly I crawled back in to sleep. By 2:30 I was up and timing contractions. By 3:30 I needed help. John and I sat up timing contractions and laughing in between because during contractions John kept asking me, "oh, what's wrong?" Uh, first, please no questions for the next 60 seconds and second, seriously?! By 5:00 John started calling all our family, and while they hustled to get to Austin, we took showers, tried to make Stan feel like everything was perfectly fine, and headed to the hospital. We arrived to the hospital around 6:15 and were strangely ushered right into the very same delivery room as last week, but this time there was no question we'd have a baby when we left. The nurse, the wonderful Nancy, proudly announced that I was 6 cm and would have a baby by this afternoon. What a fantastic start! My body had already done 60% of the work without me even really realizing it. So we settled in. And the timeline gets a bit fuzzy here, but at some point our doctor came in excited about my progress - I was now 7 cm, and he was ready to break my water. The last thing I remember Nancy saying was that the contractions were about to get a bit more intense. And holy mother she was not lying. Within what felt like minutes, my body ramped it up. There were some primal moments in that room for a while, and then I decided, despite our best laid plans, I just couldn't do it without the epidural. I felt defeated because it had been my plan all along to really experience Charlie's arrival. Little did I know this would be the first of many plans that would change. The epidural arrived as did Tania, and because of both of them, I felt an immense sense of relief and confidence. Every hour, we progressed and more of our family arrived. With everyone safely arrived and eagerly waiting right outside the delivery room, we were told it was time to push. And I pushed. And pushed. And pushed. When the nurse asked if I wanted to take a break for 10 minutes, we were shocked to find out that I'd been pushing for an hour and a half and frustrated to hear that Charlie just wasn't budging. After three hours of pushing, Dr. Mankovsky apologetically delivered the news: c-section. And I thought I'm not going to be able to really experience his birth after all, but after a long morning, we were more than anxious to meet our baby and reassured each other that this was right for us because this was right for Charlie. I was wheeled down to the operating room, and with John peeking over the curtain, at 3:53 Charlie arrived in all his glory. John captured his mighty entrance just perfectly.

Mighty Charlie

And like everything else, Charlie did it his own way and now we know why. He was a gigantitron. At 10lbs 2oz, there was no way for him to come out any other way. And I did get to really experience his birth just not the way we had planned. I'll never forget the feeling of him being pulled, none too lightly, out and rushed to our side. I'll never forget looking at him for the first time and knowing he was perfection after all my months of silently worrying. And most importantly I'll never forget watching John take him from the nurse to walk with him to the nursery. It was the cliche immediate and awe-inspiring love just like everyone told us about.

One Proud Dad

Our Little One-Eyed Jack

One of about a thousand pictures from aunt Tania

My Favorite Snugglebug

The rest of the hospital visit is hazy. John and I were in for the biggest crash course of our lives, but luckily, Charlie is as sweet to us as we hoped he would be. He tries his best to sleep and eats like a total champ (I guess at 10lbs we should have expected he'd already mastered that art). And even more luckily, Tania and my mom are baby wizards and were at the hospital every time I felt like we just weren't figuring it out to reassure us that we were doing great and Charlie was doing great and life is really great. And oh my! Life is really great. Charlie's healthy and beautiful, we got to go home a day early and being here with Charlie is just right.

Gigi Love

Homeward Bound

Proud Cousins

Our beautiful, beautiful boy

We Used to Wait

As per our usual routine, John listens to lots of new music, tries to get me interested, I promise to work whatever said band of the moment into my mix of Garth Brooks, The Cure, the Beach Boys, my high-school-era rap, and other "classic" favs of mine (don't judge), and normally the new band doesn't stick. This time was different though. Arcade Fire stuck, and when John's cousin Jamie came down and showed us an interactive video for the song "We Used to Wait", the song became an all-time favorite. The song is about change, the impact of major moments in your life, but then also speaks to me about anticipating the major moments in life to a point where you miss the little, everyday. I'm not exactly a live-in-the-moment person. I worry. I anticipate. I budget. I plan. So to say that the first few days home from the hospital last week were rough is an understatement. Charlie was very much communicating that we were not in control. Lovingly, everyone was checking in to see how we were doing, what was going on with Charlie and how they could help. But John and I wanted to be alone. Nothing was going on with Charlie. And there was absolutely nothing to do to help either situation. I put friends and family on hold and wallowed in the fact that I was enormous and still waiting on our baby. I cried because my shirts no longer fit. I cried because I was hot. I cried because I couldn't easily get around. (Now do you see why John thinks I'm such a catch?!) And then on Sunday we decided to take Stan to one of our favorite spots in Austin - Red Bud Isle.

It's a perfect spot to hike around, take a swim and let Stan socialize. From several different rocks, I watched John swim and Stan play still wallowing in my enormity. And then it hit me. Why can't I swim? Why can't I play with Stan? WHAT AM I DOING? I loathe wallowers. I loathe people who play the victim. I loathe people who act like being pregnant or having kids means you can't do anything you used to love. So I jumped in. And what do you know? We had a great morning!

   
I forgot about being big, and I forgot about waiting on Charlie, and I delighted in our little family's Sunday. And that's when I realized I can't keep focusing on Charlie's impending arrival. I shouldn't be acting like this last part of my pregnancy is anything but great. This could be my only chance to be pregnant and what's the use of wishing it to the end? So John and I have been enjoying our little moments together. Stanley and I have been running errands, taking long walks and sleeping. I've met up with friends, and most importantly, I've relished the nights of Charlie dancing around in my belly. Charlie isn't stalling out. He's giving me time. We have our next doctor's appointment tomorrow, and we're so looking forward to hearing how my body's progressing, and I'm sure we'll talk about inducing should that become necessary, but until Charlie makes his big debut, we're enjoying our now.