Fleeting Moments

Charlie was swaddled for the last time a couple weeks ago. And I'm not sure I would have thought twice about it if it wasn't for a post I read by a mom suddenly realizing the lasts in her son's life, in her life. I'm not sure my heart can take this view on Charlie's stages. They're are so many firsts to look forward to that I hadn't taken the time to think about the stages we were leaving. Now they're glaring me in the face.

I'm suddenly consumed by Chuck's lasts. I want to hold on to them. I want to remember...

The last time we woke up in the morning only for Charlie to curl up on my chest and soundly drift back to sleep.

The last time Charlie waved his head back and forth like a little cod fish searching for sustenance.

The last time Charlie knocked out in his vibrating bouncy chair.

The last night I groggily dragged myself out to the living room to feed Charlie. (Why did I do this?)

The last time he woke up too early from a nap in his crib and effortlessly drifted back to sleep with me in bed.

The last time Charlie slept fully swaddled, like the tiny burrito he was, all night long.

I can't tell you the exact day when Charlie's balled up fists spread out and started grasping everything in sight. Or when we stopped having to rock him until he was completely asleep. Or when he wasn't able to fit laying in my lap with his head at my knees and feet at my stomach.

I can't tell you exactly when any of these things stopped because I was elated that Charlie started staying up for longer stretches of time, easily latched on, started sleeping in his crib for naps, graduated out of the swaddle that he continually broke out of, nursed efficiently, and slept for longer stretches during his nap times. I love that Charlie can reach for things he wants now. I love that we can lay him down and he babbles away until he falls asleep. And I love that he's big and long and growing beautifully.

I love celebrating Charlie's firsts, but I'm now aware of the speed of his growth. The rate of change. I want to hold on to these tiny moments with him because I know some day soon that beautiful gummy grin will have teeth and that sweet cooing voice will be forming words. And eventually I'll want to snuggle him but will probably have to settle for a high-five. And when that day comes, I hope I'll coolly high-five him back and smile remembering the moments when he celebrated by burring his face in my neck and squealing.

 

Transparency

The best kept secret to motherhood? Nobody’s got it figured out. And if they tell you they do, there’s a 100% chance they’re lying. Because as soon as you seemingly fall into a rhythm, a routine, your sweet little guy (or girl) will quickly switch something up. Rock your world a little. Remind you who’s really boss around here.

After being astounded, I've begun to quietly giggle when moms are taken aback when I say Charlie's not quite sleeping through the night. They boast that their infant has been sleeping through the night since six weeks old only to elaborate that really he or she is going down at 11:30 and waking up at 4:30. I remember thinking that doesn't really count for me. And a friend a little further along in the mothering process shared her experience with potty training - people were shocked that her child was not yet potty trained bragging that of course their little darling was. Weird. In my book, walking around without a diaper but still going to the bathroom every time in their pants doesn't really count. Why do we feel like we have to fabricate our reality? Would I love for Charlie to be sleeping soundly from 7:00 to 7:00? Absolutely! But lying about it isn't going to make it reality, and it certainly doesn't make me a better mom. The thing is it's okay to celebrate the small stuff. Your kid's sleeping for a five hour stretch? That's awesome! Your kid's asking to go to the bathroom sometimes and really doing it? Freaking fantastic! But when we stretch the truth I think we do each other a true disservice.

There have been plenty of times where I've felt weakened by Charlie's frustrations and strengthened by the tiniest of his milestones. I feel lucky to have people around me on all ends of the parenting spectrum who don't mind being completely transparent when it comes to parenthood - they don't hesitate to validate our struggles and celebrate our baby steps. They offer advice as to what worked or didn't work for them and then step back as we try our hand at it. And it's this transparency and support that I think new parents (and maybe seasoned vets too) are craving. I do think that parenting is equal parts joy and sorrow, and I know there are more of each to come, but since there are absolutely no manuals and no clear directions to parenting, the least we can do is support each another with honesty.

"Through the blur, I wondered if I was alone or if other parents felt the same way I did - that everything involving children is painful in some way. The emotions, whether they were joy, sorrow, love or pride, were so deep and sharp that in the end they left you raw, exposed and yes, in pain. The human heart was not designed to beat outside the human body and yet, each child represented just that - a parent's heart bared, beating forever outside its chest." - Debra Ginsberg

Doing Life with You

Catching up on my friends' blogs is a guilty pleasure that gets squeezed in during Charlie's lengthening naps and on occasional late nights when I just can't sleep - overtiredness is a real devil. And as I was indulging last month, I stumbled across a post by probably one of my favorite friends that I never get to see. She wrote about her daughter's 5 month benchmark and her husband's 32nd birthday, and while her posts make me laugh and cry all the time, this one really got me - laughing because her kids are a.dor.able. and her husband is wearing a "32 years" sticker on his shirt and all choked up by the end because of her unique and wonderful phrasing, "John David, we are so thankful we get to do life with you!" Because that's just it - the people we choose to surround ourselves with makes all the difference.

Three years ago John and I committed to do life together. To support each other. To laugh with each other. To love each other. Throughout our thirteen years we've seen each other through family frustrations, college, jobs, deaths, births, unbelievable triumphs and devastating defeats. We've supported each other despite our darkest struggles and celebrated each other through our brightest victories. In just a few years we'll have been together longer than we'll have lived without each other, and I think that's a pretty awesome feat.

 

I'm unbelievably grateful to be John's wife and love that we get to raise Charlie in a home with so much love, respect and support. I guess I never quite knew how to say it, but man, John, I'm so thankful we get to do life with you! Happy anniversary, boss.

Oh what a day it was three years ago...

 

 

 

The True Fox

You can't out fox a fox, right?

Last month about two weeks into life sans swaddle, Charlie started flipping himself over in the night. It was strange because he wasn't consistently rolling over during the day, and when he would roll himself over in the night, he was none too pleased with the result. It seemed like a hunger reflex. We tried feeding him - he wasn't really hungry, we tried barricading him with a rolled up blanket - he definitely wasn't into that, and finally after sleeping on his floor one night (not sure what I thought I was helping), I decided to swaddle him from the armpits down. And voila! it worked. He stopped rolling over and slept soundly. I was feeling very foxy.

On Thursday of last week, Charlie rolled over to grab some shoes in my mom's bathroom. Seemed purposeful. By the time we got home that night, Charlie was rolling all around his little mat. Absolutely purposeful. Grateful for the swaddle, I put Chuck in bed that night, and he stayed on his back. Easy. And then Friday night happened. The swaddle failed us. We were up and down all night, flipping Charlie back over and soothing him to sleep. By morning, we were all cranky. When Charlie started his same routine on Saturday night, John, in a moment of sleep-deprived genius, placed Charlie up against the right side of his crib. You see, we have our own little Derek Zoolander on our hands - he can't turn left, and with the new placement, there wasn't room for him to turn right. And voila! it worked. He stopped rolling over and slept soundly. John was feeling very foxy.

Last night before I went to sleep, I walked in to check on Charlie, and oh my lord! he was on his stomach up against his bumper with his face planted firmly in the mattress. After having a minor mental freak-out and checking to make sure he was breathing, I decided to let him stay on his stomach and pulled him to the middle of the crib. When he woke up at 2:00 to eat, I promptly placed him on his back in the right side of his crib and watched him flip right over swaddle and all. Charlie, for now, is the foxiest.

The Delicate Balance

When I think about the kind of mom I want to be so much of that person is wrapped up in the examples I have surrounding me. I have two older sisters that are total bosses of moms, a second mom, Patty, that I think might just have hung the moon and then there's my mom. If John and I can swing it, I hope Charlie has as many memories of me at his school, watching all his extra-curriculars and being his very biggest cheerleader because that's what my mom was for me. There was never a play, band concert (didn't know I play a mean clarinet, did you?!), football game, pep-rally, field trip, or track meet that my mom wasn't in attendance. How'd I get so many amazing teachers? Oh, my mom was the PTA president for approx. 99 years running and somehow my schedule always just kind of fixed itself. Part of what I loved so much about school was that my mom was such a huge part of it.

Sure she's a little crazy, but I hope Chuck thinks I'm just a tad off my rocker too because that means I've made time for him, I've cared, and I've bugged him a little. My mom bugged me - Where are you going? Who's going to be there? Are so and so's parents going to be home? My curfew was way earlier than most of my friends. I got read the riot act if I was 10 seconds late. And my mom literally smelled my hands when I walked in to kiss her goodnight to make sure I wasn't smoking. Now that's crazy, but I'm certain I would have gotten into a lot more trouble if she wasn't looking out for me and keeping me honest. Sure I still broke the rules, let her down and, of course, we had the occasional mother/daughter meltdown, but my mom is always there.

I was probably one of the only incoming freshman at Texas State in utter dev.as.tation mode because my mom was leaving. Standing outside of the Jackson dorm sobbing louder than any self-respecting girl would allow herself to, I literally thought I was going to die. So my mom went down to San Antonio for the weekend and came back through on Sunday before classes started to take me to lunch and make sure I was settling in. She was always good at that - letting me go, slowly. And I hope Charlie thinks I'm good at that too because I anticipate the hardest thing about being a parent might just be letting your kids find their footing in that delicate balance without your help but with your safety net.

Thanks for the love, support and safety net. Happy birthday, Sheilanavarifar.

Four Months!

We might just have the coolest kid on the block. Charlie is four months old, and he somehow continues to get sweeter every day. In the last month we've gotten to hear Charlie laugh (what a fantastic sound!), watch him discover new toys and fall in love with new songs, games and people. This last month has flown by and the changes couldn't be more fun. Charlie smiles all.the.time., laughs when tickled...sometimes - other times he grunts and fights the joy in his heart. He babbles constantly, gosh his voice is sweet, and yells when really excited and continues to screech when really, really excited.

We went to the doctor today, and since we didn't go at three months, we were dying to see what Chuck's new stats would be. We knew he was growing, but man, what a stud! Charlie is a whopping 18.9 lbs and 27.5 in long. Wowzers! He's grown an amazing 6 inches from when he was born which seems absolutely unbelievable. He's in the 95th percentile for weight and head and completely off the charts for height. I think it's safe to say he'll be taller than his mom, thankfully!

In the last month we've learned the Itsy Bitsy Spider is a magical song that instantly calms Chuck down and makes him smile. It would really make anyone smile to watch John try and do the hand motions, but luckily, Charlie's not particular. ;) We've sang this song no less than 1.3 billion times, and every time it does the trick. It's true love. Charlie still loves time on his mat or in his crib watching his lambs. He is mesmorized by anything John does - getting dressed in the morning...amazing, talking about his day at work...amazing, and when John gives him a bath, Chuck's locked in on John's face and every move. He's mastered toys that I remember thinking were so ridiculous for a baby. I was certain Charlie wasn't going to be able to reach the bird hanging from his carseat until he was about a year old, and two weeks ago, John and I heard the pull of the bird from the backseat and watched Charlie pull it down to his mouth and let it wiggle back up. Awesome! He's working really hard on rolling over. He can move back and forth from his back to his stomach, but I'm not convinced he totally gets it just yet. We'll just keep on practicing! He's napping for longer stretches during the day which is great. He still needs around three naps a day, but he's starting to cluster his sleeping times together and seems really happy about these longer daytime snoozes. Charlie's gotten himself on a pretty good schedule lately, and I'm so grateful for his consistency. This last month Charlie and I have been together all day, ever day (duh), and so it's no suprise he's grown pretty fond of his mom. He's started to get a little stressed when someone else takes him and he can't see me, but I can't say I really mind. I've always wanted a side-kick, and Charlie's the very best kind.

Our one fuss this past month was his sleeping routine. For about three weeks, he was simply off his rocker at night - up every couple of hours unsure if he wanted to eat, rollover or just fuss about life. I think it was part growth spurt, and I'm hopeful that we got the "four month sleep regression" out of our systems a bit early...Charlie's such an over-achiever. But for the last two nights...drum roll please...Charlie has slept through the night! He's gone down at 7:00ish and slept until 6:30 with no feedings. Oh my! I'm trying not to get too hopeful that this is Charlie's new norm, but I will say it's been a dreamy couple of nights.

Part of me can't believe he's already four months old and the other part feels like he's been with us all along. I love our new life with Charlie and how our family has grown. Congrats on four months, Chuck! You're great at growing!

Hey! I'm 4 months old!



Uncle Kevin's already started bad habits...