Monday, December 31, 2012

Happy New Year!

2012 will be forever defined by Charlie. The year I became a mom, John a dad.

I imagine when I see or write 2012 in the future I'll be flooded with the memories of this year. The memories of love - Charlie's love. Our love. The love that led us to a gigantic leap of faith. The memories of strength - My own personal strength. The strength of our marriage. And the memories of pure amazement - The amazement of watching Charlie grow and change every day. The amazement of what my body can do...what it was meant to do. And the amazement of the strength of our family's love.
 
John remarked this morning that he hopes 2013 is better than 2012, and as I whipped around saying, but 2012 is Charlie! He laughed saying, "I know. I know, but can you imagine if next year is even better?!"
 
From our family to yours,
 
Wishing you the happiest New Year. May 2013 bring you peace, love and laughter.
 
photo by: Alison Eden...she's a genius, duh.
 
 
 

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Merry Merry

The triple threat. We just finished our Christmas x 3 tonight, and oh what a celebration it's been. Christmas has always been a time of giving, reflection, eating and family merriment, but this year it was made all the sweeter because Charlie had his very first go-around. Oh and snow...snow definitely made it a little sweeter. Charlie's first Christmas turned white by the afternoon as we watched the morning rain turn to beautiful, full, streaming snowflakes. Chuck was shrieking with joy as we ventured out in to the beautiful afternoon, and even though we were just out there for a minute with Charlie, the snow added so much magic to the day.


Charlie got a truck-load of toys and clothes. He seemed intrigued by all his new stuff, especially the ones he's been introduced to at playgroup (how mind-blowing to have them at his house now!). But Charlie's very favorite thing is still all the people. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins - let's just say Charlie hasn't lacked for attention in the last few days. And as in awe as I am of this sweet kid, I'm equally in awe of all the love that swirls around us.




I hope your holidays were full to the brim of love, light and joy and that the new year brings you more of the same. I know from here on out I'll be amazed by the difference a year makes, but this first year as our own little family seems especially inspiring.

 
Lots of love to you and yours.

Monday, December 24, 2012

Glowing

Magic. This week has been pure baby love magic. Honestly, I can't put my finger on it. He's an awesome kid, but I'm especially in awe right now. I woke up thinking about the end of the world last night (don't ask), and when my crazy brain calmed down, I found myself thinking that I'd really like to just wake up Charlie even if for just a minute. Just to see that sweet smile. This kid is a freaking light.


I can't get enough of his scrunched up face, his full-belly chuckle, his two-tooth grin, his arms-straight-out-ready-to-eat grunt, his face buried in my my shoulder, my arm, my stomach, my neck, his seemingly beautiful singing voice, his button-working hands, his smile in my rearview mirror, his booty bounce, his almost-crawling rocking, his joy when Stan comes near, his high-pitched squeal, his flirtacious nature when we're out and about, his love for the outdoors, his obsession with standing, his budding locks, his intrigued face when we swab his little ears, his infant-like snuggles right before bedtime and the list could go on and on. I can't believe my all day, every day gets to be with this kid. This is truly the life.

When Chuck was new I remember commenting that I can't imagine how people have more kids (I'm just a tad dramatic when sleep deprived), but I'd have nine more babies right now if someone could promise me more Charlies. What a love.



Friday, December 21, 2012

A Village

I just mailed off my paperwork this afternoon sealing my first semester of staying home with Charlie and working part-time. Sometimes I still can't believe we've made it work. The realities of not working a paying, full-time job were a bit harsh initially. The cut-backs we've made in the past few months are monumental. But it's all working; we're making ends meet. Although those ends certainly wouldn't be meeting if it weren't for some generous, helping hands along the way.

My first, adult-life boss, Pat, is one of the main reasons this has been possible for us, for Charlie. I still contend that she's one of the most amazing people I've met in my life. Pat jumped in as a friend and mentor without hesitation. When I first started working at Westwood, she wrote both my parents a letter explaining to them just how valuable I was, what worth I was adding to the school and the students. It didn't matter that I was 23 and feeling very much like an adult that letter meant the world to me and my parents. Pat's always been in my corner, helping me make smart career and life decisions. And this summer was no different. When I told her I was officially resigning, she was one of my number one supporters, and when I emailed her later that month asking her to keep her ears open if something part-time came along, she was unbelievably encouraging. And sure enough she connected me with Gretchen and UTeach. Working out the numbers and allowing me to fill in the gaps, Gretchen welcomed me on board with open arms. And UTeach has been an amazing opportunity allowing me to still be in the classroom without all the teacher responsibilities. It's made my staying home with Charlie the very best reality. I couldn't ask for a better fit of a job right now as we attempt to navigate this new life, but even with a great job, I couldn't have done this semester without my in-laws. Fred and Ellen moved down here in May, and when I decided to take the job with UTeach, they were the very first to offer their time. Ellen allowed me to occupy her calendar at least once a week for a few hours a day, and everytime, without fail, she made me feel like I was the one doing her a favor by dropping Charlie off. For those few hours a week and this semester, I will be forever indebted. These past months would not have been as easy without UTeach, and Fred and Ellen certainly helped make UTeach a real possibility.

I wholeheartedly agree it takes a village, and I'm wildly grateful for mine. Thanks for helping to make our dreams a possibility.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Hope

Mothering kicked my ass this week. No doubt about it.

And that's as far as I got before I received a text to turn on my t.v. And now I'm saddened to the core. My heart beats heavily in my chest, and my eyes are welling up in waves.

...

I started this blog a week ago, and while I was writing, the horror of Sandy Hook overtook me. I became engulfed in overwhelming emotions, angered by my frustration with the insignificant, and overcome by grief and unfounded fears. Every child's face that flashed before me was Charlie. Every parents' nightmare story became ours. I've never lacked for empathy, but there is something about this tragedy that's shook me. I'm sure it's part Charlie, part flashbacks to lockdown drills in my classroom, and part being a freaking human being. But I had to back away. I needed time to process.

And, ultimately, I've found my perspective. I agree that we've got to do better by individuals with mental illnesses. We have to help kids. We have to listen - really listen. And trust people when people tell us who they are...good or bad. I wholeheartedly believe this tragedy could have been prevented if someone had just trusted this young man. Believed him when he showed people who he really was. What he was capable of. And I agree with the argument that guns don't kill people, people kill people. But I can't help but believe, as a society, we've made it too easy for people to use guns as a means to kill. I'm not suggesting that every citizen turn over all their firepower, but the answer isn't more guns in our schools, in our communities. Stricter gun laws have to be our reality. How could they not? Why have we waited so long? I've wracked my brain trying to come up with a viable reason a citizen would need a semi-automatic weapon. I don't know what it is. I can't figure out why it's necessary to fire off thirty bullets in a matter of seconds. Why these high-powered weapons are so readily available is beyond my comprehension. And while we argue about big government and gun control and mental illness, I can't stop imagining those moments, the fear, that helplessness. I hope it's never my reality. I hope for change.

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter."
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

Saturday, December 8, 2012

Dream Deferred

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?
Langston Hughes

This summer I decided to really put my mind to it and run the Dallas Marathon. I was in desperate need of a goal. I hadn't been able to properly exercise in months and still wasn't technically allowed to run when I decided December 9th would be the big day. I signed up almost without thought. Of course I would do it. Of course I could do it. And about a month later, I signed up for a running group - Austin Fit - and was excited to really train for this race. Training started in August, and I was stoked to be out there with friends in a motivating environment. But even with all these positives swirling around, I quickly realized I may have set a lofty goal.

Chuck was three months old when training started. He was certainly not sleeping through the night. And while I thought, at the time, he was on a great schedule, in hindsight, we were still in the midst of quite the juggling act. Long runs on Saturday morning were faced with gigantic barriers. I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't want to pump. I didn't want to leave Charlie. As I've said before, the weekends are my sanctuary, and while this is still true today, it was unbelievably true in Charlie's first few months. I lived for the weekends to have John home with us. So I put off the Saturday morning group training runs. I ran by myself around the house. No big deal. Then John and I realized we weren't allowed to run with Chuck in the jogging stroller until he was 6 months old. And I can honestly say, it was at this moment that the marathon dream slipped away. I wasn't going to get up crazy early to pump and run every weekday morning. I was exhausted. I wasn't going to run at the end of the day. I was drained. I simply wasn't going to run until Charlie could come with me. Sure I could still train on the weekends, but I knew it wouldn't be enough. I needed way more time to build my base. The marathon suddenly just wasn't realistic.

Maybe these are a lot of excuses. Maybe I should have been more motivated. Maybe I should be disappointed. I'm not though. I'm healthier than I've been in months. I'm running every weekday morning, and I'm building a solid base. I'm not worried about my dream deferred. I'll surely come back to it. It'll just take a little more time. Motherhood's a fantastic teacher of patience.

Monday, December 3, 2012

Seven Months!

Charlie has a neck! A friend commented on one of my many pictures of Charlie that he looks like a big kid because you can see his neck, and it couldn't be a more accurate observation. He's looking more and more like a big kid and less and less like a baby every day because he's no longer this blob of a head sitting on some shoulders. Now he's no giraffe, but he's got some real space there. And I think it's totally this little neck that's making him look so much older to me. And it's helping him to look all around. My new favorite thing is to look back at him in his car seat just gazing out the window. It's like all the sudden I can flash forward to his elementary school days with this perfect vision of him sitting in the backseat as we drive home from school, but we'll tap the brake on that for now. I know, I know...he's seven months old...get ahold of yourself!


This past month Charlie has rapidly increased his food repertoire - he now eats (and loves!) bananas, mangoes, pears, apples, sweet potatoes, and squash. The only thing he's flat out refused, other than rice cereal and my homemade bananas, is yogurt. And I can't say I really blame him...who likes just plain 'ol whole milk yogurt?! He's eating a 4 oz serving of solid foods twice a day like a total champ, and I don't know exactly how much he weighs because we won't go back to the doctor this month, but I do know he's upwards of 22 lbs. And oof I can feel every ounce of it! He's sleeping so well this past month - through the night every night and taking two wonderful naps a day. He takes about an hour nap in the morning (yay! we finally broke the 40 minute barrier!) and takes a two to two and a half hour nap in the afternoon. And I'm not the only one that loves this new schedule. He's so happy to finally be sleeping for these longer chunks of time. He wakes up smiling, laughing, and of course gleefully yelling.


Because that's what we do nowadays...yell...in the bathtub, outside, in the car, on the swings, and especially at the grocery store. Charlie's no doubt found his voice, and he loves hearing himself. His little voice has found new syllables, new volumes and new inflections. His Gaga and Papa swear he was saying "ball" today, and I don't doubt that will be one of his first words - the 'B' sound is one of his very favs. I'm thinking of changing my name to Ba-Ba and claiming he called out to me first. Over the top? In addition to yelling out, he's also got loads of new laughs and funny faces. He's just started to "get" what he's doing is really making us laugh, and he loves to repeat, repeat, repeat. And of course, we just laugh all the harder.


Chuck's ever-changing voice and laughs aren't the only new additions this past month...he has two sweet little teeth! And doesn't that just make so much sense? At the end of his fifth month he was having a hell of time sleeping - naps and at night. He was working his way out of it right when we hit six months, but he didn't have any teeth so I'd convinced myself it was a growth spurt, and then what do you know? A couple of days into the month, I reached into his mouth and felt a little, tiny shark tooth, and about a week later, another sprouted out. I thought I'd be devastated when that gummy grin was gone, but I have to admit I love looking in and seeing those tiny teeth. And oh my is Charlie serious about keeping his teeth healthy.



This past month we're grateful for the park, unseasonably warm weather, sweet friends, baths, and books, but mostly, we're grateful for our healthy, beautiful little baby. What a freaking joy it is to spend every day with this little dude.


Sweet, little Char is on the downward slope to a year old. And we love, love, love who this little guy is turning into. He is the sweetest, most gregarious, curious, content and loving little fellow I've ever met, and there certainly isn't a day that goes by that we don't spend at least a little time reveling in how sweet life is with our little family and how lucky we are to have Charlie.

Seven Months!

 
Soooo...he doesn't smile all the time...
but jeez, he's even a cute crier!